Off the Shelf
by GrandOldPenguin
Summary: Skipper and Marlene must pretend to be stuffed animals at the Zoovenir shop.
1. Operation: No More Foolish Risks

It was a typical morning at the Central Park Zoo. The birds in the air were singing; their flightless cousins below were smiling and waving. Julien was kicking Mort off his feet; Alice had her feet on her desk. Mason and Phil were playing chess. Leonard was asleep. Marlene was out of her habitat and running toward the Zoovenir shop.

"Well, that's unusual," Private said as he saw Marlene duck behind a garbage can. She was about three-quarters of the way between her habitat and the Zoovenir shop entrance.

"I agree, Private," Skipper said, pointing at one of the visitors in front of the penguin habitat. "That _is_ a very strange-looking mustache."

"Not that," Private said, pointing toward Marlene. " _That_."

Marlene was peeking out from behind the can to see when it was clear enough around her to advance. "Calamari!" Skipper exclaimed. "We all know not to be out of our habitats when there are so many people around! Rico, give me a distraction so I can make an exit."

Rico nodded and then waddled over to the fish bowl. There were twelve herring inside, three intended for each penguin, but Rico swallowed them all in one gulp. Seconds later, he let out a mighty burp that shook the ground like a small earthquake and sent the stench of fish into the air for a fifty-foot radius.

The visitors got one whiff and quickly turned around. "Eww!" "Disgusting!" "Gross!" "My eyes are burning!" they could be heard saying as they covered their noses and hurried away.

Once the visitors were gone, Skipper jumped from the iceberg to the habitat's fence and then down to the ground, where he slid on his belly until he was in front of the Zoovenir shop. He then hid under an A-frame sign near the entrance and waited.

A few seconds later, Marlene left the cover of the trash receptacle and took off toward the Zoovenir shop's entrance. A visitor had just entered, and the closing door was still open just wide enough for her.

But she never got that far. "Aaahh!" she screamed as she was suddenly grabbed from behind. Her heart began to race.

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" Skipper said as he took her underneath the sign. "Where do you think you're going?"

Marlene relaxed a little, relieved that it was only Skipper. She rolled her eyes. "I'm going to send all my secret intel on you to that Dr. Holeblow guy. Where does it look like I'm going?"

Skipper eyed her suspiciously.

Marlene sighed. "Relax, Skipper. I'm just going inside the Zoovenir shop to get my paws on the latest Enrico Guitaro CD before they're all sold out. I've been watching people walk out with copies all morning."

"Enrico Guitaro? Isn't he the Spanish guitar player we took you to see last year but then you turned into a nervous Nellie after one song and we had to go back home and then hunt down your isolated wild side, Littlefoot?"

The otter let out a little groan. "Yes, thank you for that _sensitive_ exposition. But now I can hear all the songs I missed because the whole concert was recorded."

"Well, you'll have to wait until the Zoovenir shop is closed to get your copy. You'll get caught if you go in when there are people around."

"But all the copies might be sold by then!"

"I doubt it. I mean, how popular is Spanish guitar music anyway?"

Marlene growled.

"Hey! I'm not saying I don't like it. I can play myself, remember?" The penguin thought for a moment. "Tell you what. If all the copies have been sold by closing time, the boys and I will find you one somewhere else. Or we'll swipe Alice's credit card again and order one from Amazon. Do you need anything else? We can get free shipping if we spend more than twenty-five dollars. Unless Alice has a Prime account."

"But that's the thing, Skipper. _Enrico Guitaro: Live in Central Park_ is available only at the Zoovenir shop and in an extremely limited quantity. It's what the sign we're standing under says."

Skipper poked his head out to look at the sign, which had that information written on it in blue liquid chalk along with drawings of a yellow Spanish guitar and purple musical notes. He pulled his head back in. "OK, OK. But you still can't go inside."

Marlene took three steps out from under the sign. "I'll only be a minute!"

Skipper grabbed her arm, halting her progress. "Marlene!"

"Come on, Skipper! What's the worst that could happen?"

"You don't want to know. You wouldn't even want to know the second- or third-worst thing that could happen. But the fourth worst is that you get seen by one of the humans, he or she screams, the other humans start screaming and panicking because they don't know what's going on, Alice comes running and catches you with a net if she's having a good day or by shooting you with a dart if she's having a bad day—and when does she ever have a good day?—you get taken back to your habitat, your habitat gets new security features to prevent you from escaping again, Alice decides to inspect all the other habitats at the same time, she discovers our HQ, and—worst of all—she finds my embarrassing collection of cowboy hats, tailless chaps, and other Sheriff Skipper role-playing accessories."

Marlene tried not to laugh. She failed. "Sheriff Skipper. Haha! Really?"

Skipper shot Marlene a look of mild reproach. "Oh, come on. You have embarrassing secrets too. Like how you like to—"

"Aah!" Skipper's revealing of Marlene's once-private habit was interrupted by something that made the otter even more uncomfortable. "Another copy that should've been mine!" she said as she saw a woman walk out with Enrico's newest album. She then saw a married couple about to enter the shop, the husband pushing a stroller with identical twin boys. "I'm sorry, Skipper, but I've got to go!" She jumped into the storage area at the bottom of the passing stroller before Skipper could stop her again.

"Marlene!" Skipper poked his head out to see if the coast was clear and then entered the shop directly behind the wife.

"All right, elephant toys, elephant toys," the husband said a short distance into the store. "Ah, I think I see some stuffed animals down there." He pushed the stroller a little farther and stopped in front of a long shelf with stuffed animals of all shapes and sizes and species. He turned to his wife. "Oh, and elephant pajamas. Why don't you pick out some nice matching ones for the boys, and I'll meet you at the counter?"

"OK," she said.

As the woman started to walk away with her husband still looking at her, Skipper knew he was about to be exposed, so he quickly jumped onto the shelf to avoid being seen. Though he was the only living creature there, he blended in well among the Noah's Ark of plush. He knew he'd be safe—he was an average-size penguin, not an unusually small elephant.

It took no more than a few moments for the man to pick out identical elephants for his identical boys. He set the toys on the stroller canopy and started to move away.

 _Achoo!_

The man stopped. "Eww," he said. He looked into the stroller and saw that his sons were no longer quite identical, his minutes-older boy now in desperate need of a nose wiping from Daddy.

Hearing the boy sneeze and his father's reaction, Marlene knew the man was going to need a baby wipe. She also knew where the wipes were—inside the stroller's storage area, right under her tail.

Marlene turned to her left and her right, looking for an escape. To her left was the main area of the room; it was the direction from which the father would probably reach in. To her right was the shelf of stuffed animals. She could feel the man's hand just graze the tip of her tail as she jumped out to safety, landing between a plush lion and a plush zebra.

A minute passed, the nose was wiped, and the man moved on. As she watched the stroller disappear, Marlene was relieved. She had successfully avoided discovery.

"Aaah!" There was a sudden touch on her shoulder.

"At ease, plushie," Skipper said. "But not too at ease. We've got to stay sharp so no human walks out with one of us as a plaything before we are able to execute our escape plan."

"You have an escape plan?"

"Technically, I have four escape plans, but three of them would inflict heavy collateral damage. We'll talk about them only if they become unavoidable. For now, we're going to go with Operation: No More Foolish Risks."

Marlene sighed. She had a feeling Skipper had named his operation after her actions that got them trapped in the Zoovenir shop in the first place. "I'm sorry, Skipper. I let my love of Spanish guitar put our safety at risk."

Skipper smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry. We all do crazy things for love. Uh, I mean, don't be so hard on yourself. If unexpected situations didn't happen every day in our zoo, I'd be stuck in some boring desk job." He pointed at some plushes toward the rear of the shelf. "Today's operation will be a little on the boring side, though. While our natural penguin and otter camouflage works well to blend in with these stuffed toys, we won't last long pretending to be inanimate objects at the front of the shelf. We're just too darn cute. So what we need to do is move to the back of the shelf so we're barely seen if seen at all. We'll then wait patiently until the Zoovenir shop closes and then we'll be free to leave."

Marlene nodded. "Sounds like a plan." She moved the plush lion over a little so she could start moving back.

Skipper turned around to start moving back himself, but he turned back toward the room when he heard footsteps. "Psst, Marlene. Someone's coming. Keep very still."

Marlene was facing the shelf and her tail was facing the rest of the room. Her body wasn't more than a few inches deeper than the lion toy as a mother and her young daughter walked closer.

"Animals!" the brown-haired five-year-old, wearing a mint green T-shirt and blue jeans, said as she skipped toward the shelf with arms wide open. She hugged all the creatures in her wingspan not far from where Skipper and Marlene were. "I love you!"

"Aww," the mother said as she caught up to her daughter. She had a deep blue T-shirt with a business logo on the back and khaki pants. "They love you too, sweetie. Pick out your favorite one and I'll buy it for you."

The child started looking through the animals in front of her and picked up a plush fox and a plush rabbit. Unlike all the other toys, these two were wearing clothing. The red fox, a male, was dressed in a green Hawaiian shirt with a fern pattern and the top button unbuttoned, a loose navy necktie with red and light blue diagonal stripes, and gray pants. He had green eyes that were half shut, a dark purple nose, and a sly expression. The rabbit, a gray-furred female, was wearing a form-fitting police uniform, her shirt light blue, her pants navy. A gold badge on her navy bulletproof vest completed the purple-eyed officer's outfit. The girl chuckled. "I guess anyone can be anything."

Suddenly, the mother laughed. "I don't believe it!" She picked up Marlene. "It's one of those old otter dolls!"

Her daughter looked up at her, confused. "Huh?" She set the fox and rabbit back on the shelf.

"You were just a baby then, the last time we were here," the mother continued. "I was going to buy you one of these otter dolls, but—" She squeezed Marlene's chest. "Hmm." She squeezed a few more times and then stopped. "Well, the heads on the otter dolls back then kept popping off when you squeezed them. This one seems to be a better quality." She ran her fingers over Marlene's cheek, inspected the thickness of her "plush," closed and reopened her eyelids, flexed her tail, and wiggled her toes. "Much, much better quality. This otter is so realistic that I can almost feel her little heartbeat." She handed Marlene to her daughter. "Would you like to take her home with you?"

The little girl hugged Marlene and smiled. When she nodded to her mother, Marlene shot Skipper a look of worry. Sure, the child seemed nice, but Marlene was not some toy!

Skipper kept still but winked in acknowledgement. He had already been thinking about which of his three remaining escape plans to execute from the moment Marlene had been picked up.

Unfortunately, the wink was also a bit misleading—he was currently down to zero. Two of the three required a partner, and there was just no way to brief Marlene in time; the third he had to reject after determining that the plush rabbit police officer carried no real weapons.

He needed a new fourth option, and quick.

He couldn't turn off the lights because the light switch was all the way across the room. The closest fire alarm he couldn't pull because it was blocked by a rack of T-shirts in a blatant violation of city regulations. He couldn't even let out a stinky fish burp because he didn't have any breakfast that morning.

Skipper then considered his original fourth option—Operation: No More Foolish Risks—and how he and Marlene were going to pretend to be stuffed animals at the back of the shelf until it was safe to get away. He realized that the plan could still be salvaged if he redefined objectives. The mission was no longer about preventing himself and Marlene from being purchased; it was now about keeping Marlene safe and preventing her from having to experience the unknown alone.

Quickly, Skipper grabbed a nearby stuffed porcupine that had a _50% off_ sticker on its head. He peeled the sticker off and stuck it to his own chest. He knew that many humans buy things they don't need when they are on sale. He hoped that this mother would be just as impulsive as he rolled off the shelf, landing between the two humans with a definite thud but no broken bones.

The mother laughed as she bent down to pick Skipper up. "Aw, poor little guy! You thought you could fly, didn't you?"

"Huh?" the daughter said.

"Penguins," the mother said as she held Skipper in front of her daughter, "are flightless birds." She flapped Skipper's flippers up and down. "They use their wings for swimming, not for flying."

The girl giggled. "He looks so cute when you do that, Mom." She tucked Marlene under her arm and took Skipper from her mother. "Cute _and_ cuddly." She hugged the penguin. "Can I have him too?"

The mother shook her head. "Sorry, Chelsea. You can only have one stuffed animal. You'll have to choose."

Chelsea stopped hugging Skipper and held him in her left hand. She held Marlene in her right. She was about to start thinking about which one she wanted more when her mother took Skipper away.

"What?" Chelsea asked.

"This penguin is half off," she said, looking at the sticker. She thought for a moment. "Tell you what. You can have both on one condition."

"Uh-huh."

"Bedtime means bedtime. No fussing."

Seven thirty still seemed too early when there was so much left to see and talk about and play with each night, but the child agreed. For now. "OK!" she said with a smile.

The mother smiled back. "Great," she said. She gently took Marlene from her daughter, exchanging the otter for her own hand. "Come on. Let's go pay for your friends."

The line at the counter was short. Just one man was ahead of them, and he was buying only one item— _Enrico Guitaro: Live in Central Park_. Marlene saw this but kept her feelings to herself, knowing it was an inopportune time to complain.

"Have a good day," the friendly cashier girl said, handing him his receipt. "Enjoy the music. It's his best yet."

Marlene died a little more inside.

"Hello," the cashier said as the mother and Chelsea stepped up.

"Hi," the mother replied. She set Skipper and Marlene on the counter.

The cashier picked up Marlene first. "Huh, I didn't know we still had any of these." She held Marlene behind the counter and squeezed her—she didn't want to sell a customer a defective product. When Marlene's head stayed on, she reached for her laser scanner and turned Marlene around and then upside down twice. "Huh, no tags," she said as she put Marlene back on the counter. She then picked up Skipper and lifted each of his flippers and then turned him upside down. She put him back on the counter too. "No tags on this one either. Just a discount sticker." She looked at the mother. "You didn't take them off, did you? They don't even have their fiber content tags."

The mother shook her head. "No. I didn't even notice that they were missing."

"Let me see if I can find a penguin and an otter plush that I can scan." She left the counter.

About ninety seconds later, the cashier returned empty-handed. "Looks like you found the last otter doll and the last penguin of that style." She looked at Chelsea and chuckled. "You're not trying to take home two of our real animals, are you, sweetie?"

The accusation took Chelsea by surprise. Her blush was adorable as she shook her head. "No!"

The cashier chuckled again and then looked back at the mother. "We don't usually sell merchandise without price tags, but I'll give you the same price for the otter as we're charging for a similarly sized badger—$12.95—and half off the $10.95 the other penguins are being sold for." She pressed some keys on her cash register. "Your total with tax is $20.07."

The mother took out her wallet and handed the cashier a twenty-dollar bill and a dime.

The cashier pressed a few more keys before handing the mother three pennies and a receipt. "Would you like a bag?"

The mother shook her head. "No thank you. I think my daughter wants to carry them." She handed Skipper and Marlene to Chelsea. "Have a good day."

"Thanks! You too."

Chelsea hugged her new friends as she began walking away from the counter with her mother.

"Skipper," Marlene whispered, her mouth barely open as if she were a ventriloquist, "what do we do now?"

"Not to worry, Marlene." Skipper slowly took a breath so Chelsea wouldn't feel it. "You heard the mother: bedtime means bedtime. We'll sneak away tonight after the little girl falls asleep."

The otter took a small breath. "Yeah, if we don't get caught. That was pretty close at the cash register."

"We'll be fine as long as we continue to breathe very slowly and quietly around the humans"—he paused for a breath—"and control bodily noises when they can hear us and not blink when they're looking at us."

"That last one's getting a bit hard. She won't stop looking at us."

"I can fix that. Difficult things are always less challenging with a good mission name." He took a breath. "Commence Operation: Staring Contest."

— § —

"Still no sign of them, Kowalski," Private reported while looking at the Zoovenir shop through binoculars. Chelsea and her mother then exited the store. "Huh, I didn't know the Zoovenir shop started stocking otter dolls again." He lowered the binoculars and turned to Kowalski. "Do you think Skipper and Marlene are all right? Maybe we should go over to see if they need any help."

"No, we have to stay here, Private," Kowalski replied. "There are too many people right now in the—Did you just say 'otter dolls'?"

"That's ri—" Private began as Kowalski grabbed the binoculars from him.

Kowalski scanned the humans near the Zoovenir shop and focused on Chelsea. "That's not a toy! That _is_ Marlene!" Chelsea then shifted Marlene a little in her arms, revealing that the otter wasn't alone. "And Skipper too! That girl must think they're stuffed animals!"

"Not again! First I get mistaken for a dog chew toy, then Mort accidentally ends up at the factory when his plush toys are recalled, and now this? Kowalski, what do we do?"

"I can come up with a few options, but first I'm going to need your help."

"Absolutely."

"Good." Kowalski stopped looking through the binoculars and held them out for Private. "Hold these, please. I can't get my options board out and hold them at the same time."

Private sighed silently, hoping to do something more important, but he took the binoculars as Kowalski pulled out a whiteboard and a marker from the secret space behind his back. The young penguin watched the second in command scribble on his board for a moment and then turned his attention back to the young girl and her mother. They had stopped walking, and the mother had her smartphone out.

Private zoomed the binoculars in on the screen. "'Busy, Liz?' 'Just leaving the zoo with Chelsea.' 'I hate the zoo.' 'What! How can anyone hate the zoo?'"

Kowalski looked up from his board. "What was that, Private?"

"I started looking at the mother and daughter again. The mother is texting with someone. The other person asked if she was busy, and the mother replied that she was just leaving the zoo. The other person apparently doesn't like the zoo."

"Hmm. What else are they saying?"

"Let's see. The other person replied, 'Never mind. I just locked my keys in my car. But I know Mother kept a set when she got a new car and gave me her old one. Any chance you can give me a ride to her apartment?' Then the mother said, 'Sure. If there's no traffic, we'll be at the car wash in 20 minutes.' The other person just said, 'Thank you so much. See you soon.' And now the mother is putting her phone back in her pocket."

"Car wash?" Kowalski said. He paused for a moment and then his eyes lit up. "Private! Quick! What does it say on the back of the mother's shirt?"

"Uh ..." He zoomed out a little and then zoomed back in just a bit. "Borough's Best Something Something Something."

"What?"

"I can't make it all out, Kowalski. The little girl's blocking the rest of the words." Then, after a moment, "OK, got it! Borough's Best Automatic Car Wash!"

"Yes! She was probably texting with someone she works with." Kowalski wiped away his whiteboard scribbles with a flipper and drew a crude picture of a car with shine lines radiating from it. He turned the board to Private. "I think we have our option."


	2. Career Change

Liz glanced at her daughter in the back seat through the rearview mirror of her silver Subaru Outback. "So, have you named your little friends yet?"

"Yes." Chelsea held Skipper up. "This is Mr. Penguin." And then held up Marlene. "And this is Mrs. Penguin."

"No, no, sweetie. The brown one is an _otter_. Remember the story I told you in the gift shop?"

"I know she's an otter, Mom. But she changed her name when she got married."

"Married?" Liz said.

"Married?" Skipper and Marlene whispered.

"Mr. Penguin and Mrs. Penguin are madly in love." The child held Skipper and Marlene by the backs of their heads. "They kiss each other all day!" Beak and lips then collided repeatedly as she moved Skipper back and forth to smooch the otter as though he weren't a penguin but a woodpecker.

Liz laughed. "Well, you certainly have an interesting imagination." She thought for a moment and then turned the radio on, tuning to a local love songs station.

Chelsea smiled as Lionel Richie and Diana Ross sang about endless love.

A few blocks later, Liz glanced at her fuel gauge as she approached a gas station she sometimes stopped at. She was glad she did—it was nearly on E. "Hope my boss won't mind waiting just a little longer, but I need to stop for gas," she said as she put her turn signal on. "Better a few minutes more than not get there at all."

"Can I stop in the bathroom?" Chelsea asked.

Liz turned to her back seat passenger. "You have to go? Why didn't you go at the zoo?"

"I didn't have to go then."

Kids never do. "All right," Liz said. "I'll take you inside."

A minute or so later, Chelsea set the interspecies couple down in the middle of the back seat, their flippers and arms positioned around each other in an expression of love that knew no taxonomic bounds. She then followed her mother into the gas station.

Skipper let go of Marlene, and Marlene released Skipper. The two stared at each other without a word, fur and feathers trying and failing to conceal their blushing, both too in shock to realize that they now had an opportunity to get away from the humans early.

After a full minute, the penguin finally broke the silence. "Well, that happened," he said. He didn't move at all.

"Yes," Marlene said, still not blinking. "Yes, it did."

They stared at each other for about twenty seconds more until they simultaneously burst into laughter.

Skipper playfully poked Marlene's arm. "Mrs. Penguin!" he said, barely able to breathe. "You're my—you're my wife!"

"We kiss each other all day!" Marlene added, laughter tears filling up her eyes. "All day! It's all we do!"

"There aren't enough hours in the day for all our kissing, Marlene!"

"We'd need a thousand lifetimes because we're so madly in love!"

"Ha! Oh, Marlene, my sides are splitting!"

"My _lips_ are splitting, what with all our kissing!"

Skipper smacked a flipper against the seat of the car. "Stop it! Stop it! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

After a minute or so, they were able to bring their laughter under control.

Marlene licked her lips. "Actually, I think my bottom lip is splitting a little. I know that a kiss can be called a peck, but kissing shouldn't really involve actual pecking like that."

"Let me see."

Marlene opened her mouth and pulled her lower lip down slightly.

"It's not too bad. Just a small cut. I'll be more careful next time, Mrs. Penguin."

Marlene laughed lightly. "Well, as awkward as that was, if I have to be paired with another stuffed animal by a little girl, at least it's with you. I'm so glad it wasn't Julien who went into the Zoovenir shop after me."

Skipper nodded. "I hear you. But that kid's gotta go easy on us before we end up with a son named Harry."

"Harry?"

"Do you have a better name for a potter?"

"A what?" She thought for a few seconds and then it came to her. She shook her head. "No, no, no! That's not even possible! We're adopting!"

The car doors opened, and Skipper and Marlene quickly embraced each other just like Chelsea had left them. They closed their mouths and kept their eyes open.

Chelsea sat down in her booster seat. She patted Skipper and Marlene on their heads but otherwise let them be for the moment.

Liz turned around to check that Chelsea's seat belt was buckled and then started the car. The radio came back on, about two minutes into Savage Garden's "I Knew I Loved You." Two more songs followed, Johnny Rivers's "Swayin' to the Music (Slow Dancin')" and Faith Hill's "This Kiss," before the station went to a commercial break.

" _Borough's Best Automatic Car Wash isn't just a name_ ," a man said to begin the first commercial. His voice was deep and tough, but he was trying to sound friendly.

"Hey, it's my boss!" Liz said. She turned up the volume a little.

" _Our KomondorKlean brushes remove more dirt with a gentler touch._ "

Suddenly, Skipper felt a feeling in his gut he hadn't felt since Alice had mixed up the _fish_ and the _spoiled fish_ buckets. He glanced at Chelsea for a moment to be sure she wasn't looking at them and then looked back at Marlene. "Something's wrong, Marlene," he whispered.

"What?" Marlene asked.

"That voice. I know that—"

" _Tell them Mr. X sent you and receive a free upgrade when you purchase a bronze or silver wash._ "

Skipper nearly jumped as his suspicions were confirmed. "Officer X! He changed careers again! This changes everything. We can't wait until tonight to get away. We'll have to knock them out at a red light and escape now."

Marlene's eyes widened. "What! You can't do that. You can't knock out a little girl. Especially not a sweet one who loves us."

"She'll be fine. Kids are very resilient."

"Skipper!"

"I'll be gentle."

Marlene let out a little growl and grabbed Skipper by the neck. "And let me be gentle. Don't do it or Mrs. Penguin will file for divorce."

Suddenly, the car stopped. In their disagreement over tactics, Skipper and Marlene hadn't noticed that the car had already pulled into the car wash parking lot.

Marlene gripped Skipper tighter and shook him. "Skipper! We're here! What do we do?"

"We have no choice. Looks like I'll be paying you half my fish in alimony."

Marlene sighed. "I'll do it."

"What?"

"You can't hit girls, Skipper. But I can."

"Marlene, you have no experience with—"

 _Whack._

 _Whack._

 _Plop._

 _Plop._

"Well, uh," Skipper said, "I guess now you do have experience."

"Don't worry," Marlene said as she pulled on the door handle, "I was gentle, and kids are very resilient. They'll be conscious again in half an hour." She pushed the door open. "Let's go!"

Marlene and Skipper jumped out the left rear door.

The first thing they saw were his boots.

The former animal control officer, former exterminator, former temporary zookeeper, former fishmonger, former convenience store clerk, former dentist, former florist, and current car wash manager couldn't believe his eyes. "I hate the zoo."

"Run!" Skipper yelled. The two took off toward the street.

X started after them, pulling a squeegee out from behind his back. "Every job! Every time! But not anymore!" He wound up his arm and released the squeegee; it struck the fleeing penguin and otter, knocking them down, before returning to X like a boomerang. He laughed as he went over to the animals, who were conscious but dazed. "We have the best automatic car wash in the borough—it's in our name—but sometimes a good old-fashioned squeegee is all you really need."

Skipper and Marlene could offer no resistance as X picked them up.

"This next part really sucks," X said.

Through blurry vision, Skipper could see that X was carrying them toward a row of vacuums. The penguin groaned, half from the cheap pun and half from the squeegee strike.

"Free vacuum with every wash," the man of many careers said as he grabbed the hose on one of the vacuums. With a quick button press, the unit roared to life with industrial-strength suction power. The motor strained only slightly when instead of air being sucked through the nozzle, a penguin's back was sucked against it, preventing escape. X set Skipper down—he couldn't move beyond the length of the hose—and did the same with Marlene with a vacuum three units down from the one Skipper was attached to, preventing any possibility of the two working together to free each other. "That ought to hold you until animal control arrives to see I'm not crazy—I mean, to give me my old job back. And to take you away!" He pulled out his smartphone and started to dial Supervisor Eubanks's direct line but then stopped and opened the camera app instead. If anything happened before animal control arrived, this time he would at least have proof.

He was about to take a picture when something metal crashed behind him. He turned around.

Six blue eyes stared from the top of the storm drain at what was in front of them. A pair of sunglasses stared back.

"Kowalski," Private said, "isn't that former animal control officer, former exterminator, former dentist—"

Private suddenly found Kowalski's flipper in his beak. "Don't say the D-word, Private," the dentophobic penguin said. "But yes, it's him."

"The reinforcements!" X shouted as he charged toward the three penguins in the drain. He pulled out his squeegee again and launched it.

Kowalski and Private ducked for cover. Rico just opened his beak and swallowed the squeegee.

And then regurgitated a chainsaw.

X stopped dead in his tracks.

"Private," Kowalski said, "go help Skipper and Marlene. Rico and I will take care of the former oral butcher."

Private nodded. "Got it."

Kowalski and Rico jumped out of the drain, and Rico tossed Kowalski a crowbar. They took two steps toward X, and X took off toward the entrance of the main building.

He was almost there when an elderly man standing by the door gripped the door handle. X knew him—he was a regular on Tuesdays. He was frail and moved like a sloth and probably should have given up driving a decade ago, but he loved to brag at the senior center about having the shiniest car in the parking lot.

It would be another three minutes before old Edgar, age ninety-eight, would make it all the way into the building. There would be no escaping inside for X from the two weapon-wielding penguins right behind him.

"Kowalski! Rico!" Skipper shouted to them, now free of the vacuum. "Forget him! Let's blow this popsicle stand—er, car wash!"

Rico revved his chainsaw menacingly at X one last time and then he and Kowalski followed the others down the storm drain.

"I hate the zoo," X repeated as Rico pulled the grate back over the drain. He would normally pursue, but he knew Liz and Chelsea were waiting for him. He looked toward Edgar for a moment, who had managed to open the door about a foot and was staring at him. "Afternoon, Edgar," he said with a small wave.

"Afternoon," Edgar said.

"You're probably wondering what just happened here."

The old man laughed as well as he could with his chronic shortness of breath. "Nah. I fought the penguins in the war."

— § —

Skipper climbed into the penguins' pink car, joining Marlene and Private in the back seat. "Excellent timing, boys! You really saved Marlene's and my tail feathers back there."

"It was a true team effort," Kowalski said. "Private's observations through binoculars, my expert analysis, and Rico's mad driving through the sewer system all got us here. X was a surprise, but he's always a surprise."

"You'd think in all this time you would've come up with an X detector or something. Get on that, will you?"

Marlene sighed.

"Hey," Skipper said, "I don't like that sound. What's wrong, Marlene?"

"We need to go back."

Skipper's eyes widened. "What! You want to go back up there? With X? I'm sure by now he's found another squeegee. Or worse. Much, much worse. Besides, he's probably already found that Chelsea and her mother are unconscious in the car, and he knows we're responsible."

"Chelsea is exactly why we have to go back up there, Skipper."

"Huh?"

"That little girl didn't do anything wrong, but she's going to feel so sad in a short time when she wakes up and finds her new stuffed friends are gone. She loves us. I don't want her to be sad."

"I don't want her to be sad either, but we can't go live with her. We're not stuffed toys."

"We don't have to go live with her, Skipper. But I do know something we can do. And how to get X out of the way."

Skipper was still hesitant. "I don't know."

"What if I gave it a cool mission name?"

— § —

Minutes later, behind the dumpster of the pizza restaurant that was next to the car wash, The One and Only Ray's Pizza, Private sat down in the driver's seat of the penguins' car.

"Any questions?" Marlene asked.

Private pulled a pair of goggles over his eyes. "Nope."

"Hey, Private," Skipper said.

Private turned to him. "Yes, Skipper?"

Skipper laughed. "Don't forget to wash behind your earholes!"

Private started the car and began to drive away. Operation: Gentle Touch had officially begun.

In the car wash parking lot next to Liz's car, X had his finger on the 9 button of his phone, beginning to dial 911 after finding his employee and her daughter unconscious inside, when he heard a small motor followed by two short blasts of a car horn. He turned toward the noise, seeing a penguin wearing goggles waving at him from behind the wheel of a pink toy car with flowers painted on it. "Penguin! I knew you no-good birds were responsible!"

Private tooted the horn twice more and then started driving again, heading in the direction of the automatic car wash machine.

"All right, let's move!" Marlene said to the others behind the dumpster, seeing that X was now in pursuit of Private in the adjacent parking lot. The others nodded, and they all hurried through the small flowerbed that separated the two properties.

Private stopped the car a few feet into the car wash machine. He jumped out and entered deeper into the machine on foot. X was right on his heels.

"C'mere!" X yelled as he reached for Private, barely missing him as the penguin disappeared behind an eight-foot-tall vertical brush. "You won't wax me this time. That's a three-dollar upgrade."

As X started walking around the brush, Private jumped into it for cover. The long blue and red fibers, shaped and sized like locks of fur on the corded coat of a "mop dog," hid him well. X passed right by and started walking to the brush across from it.

Like a cloud passing by the sun, the amount of natural light entering the machine suddenly became less. X turned his head toward the car wash entrance as the garage door that closed off the machine at night slammed shut. He did the same in the other direction a moment later when the door that closed off the exit came down. "Hey!" the manager yelled as he started running toward the closed exit door.

Private began counting in his head. Forty-five seconds to get into position. _One Winky, two Winky, three Winky, four Winky._ Still hidden among the fibers, the penguin began making his way up inside the brush. _Eleven Winky, twelve Winky, thirteen Winky._ When he reached the top, he emerged from the fibers and sat on top of the brush. He whistled to draw X's attention.

"There you are!" Getting out was no longer a priority. X charged back to the brush and thrust his hands into it, grabbing the brush's core. He shook and shook and shook. When Private didn't fall down, the manager started climbing up.

 _Forty-three Winky, forty-four Winky, forty-five Winky._

Private jumped down just as the brushes began to rotate and the water jets turned on. Kowalski had been successful hacking the keypad outside that customers used to enter their wash codes.

X would normally say that KomondorKlean brushes have a gentle touch. When he was attached to one, though, all he could say was, "Aaaaaaaahhhh!"

Round and round and round he went, blasted by streams of water with each revolution. Fifteen terrifying seconds passed before the brush released him, flinging him off as if he were mud on a Jeep. He landed farther down the car wash, in a space where no brushes or water jets touched him.

Not that he would know, however, since he was no longer conscious.

Private looked at X for a moment and then waddled back to where he had parked the car by the entrance, being careful to avoid becoming entangled in any machinery himself. He blew the horn twice, and Skipper and Marlene opened the entrance door. Private put the car in reverse and drove out.

"Great work being the bait, Private," Marlene said as she walked up to the car.

"As always, soldier," Skipper added.

"Thanks," Private replied.

"I have to ask," Skipper said. "How were his puns?"

"He made only one. He said, 'You won't wax me this time. That's a three-dollar upgrade.'"

Skipper put a flipper to his lower beak. "Hmm. It's a little better than the vacuum one he made to Marlene and me earlier, but still pretty weak."

Kowalski turned to Skipper. "Actually, Skipper, the joke's on him. My hacking set the car wash to run every available option. Undercarriage wash. Tire shine. The wax is being applied right about ... now."

Skipper laughed. "Good thing he wears sunglasses to protect his vision from his shiny new look!"

"Rico," Private said, "did you finish your part of the mission?"

Rico mumbled and gestured that he had regurgitated a plush penguin and a plush otter for Chelsea and put them in the unconscious child's arms.

"Well," Skipper said, "we don't have long here. The little girl and her mother are going to wake up any minute. Let's go."

The penguins and Marlene climbed into the car. Private remained in the driver's seat, with Skipper next to him and Kowalski, Rico, and Marlene in the back. The otter waved goodbye to the sweet girl who would soon wake up as they drove past Liz's car on the way out of the parking lot.

As Private stopped at the end of the driveway, a city bus was driving by on the same side of the street. "Hey look, Marlene!" he said, pointing at the bus after noticing the ad that was on the side of it. "Isn't that—"

Skipper's left flipper cut off Private and his right stretched to the back seat to cover Marlene's eyes. "Nope."

"Hey, c'mon," Marlene said as she pushed Skipper's flipper away. "Let me see."

The bus had already passed, but the back had an ad for the same advertiser as the one on the side. It was still close enough for Marlene to make out the most important words. And the man's face.

"Enrico Guitaro!" Marlene exclaimed. "He's coming back to Central Park in June!"

— § —

Thirty-seven minutes later, X opened his eyes. His vision was a bit blurry, but he could feel that he was sitting down somewhere comfortable.

"Mr. X!" Liz said. "Are you all right?"

X rubbed his head. It felt sore. And ... waxy? "Liz? Where am I?"

"You're in my car. A customer found you passed out in the car wash, and he and I carried you here. What happened?"

As his vision began to unblur, he saw Chelsea standing next to her mother, holding her toys. He jumped a little in his seat. "The penguins! The penguins! And the otter!"

Liz pointed at the stuffed bird. "There's just one penguin. Chelsea's souvenir from the zoo. You hit your head pretty hard; you're probably seeing double."

"Four penguins!"

"Or quadruple. Just relax. The paramedics should be here any minute now."

Chelsea was too young to understand everything that was going on around her, but seeing her mother's boss that way filled her with confusion and worry. She hugged her penguin and otter extra tight for comfort.

 _Boiiiing!_

Maybe a little too tightly.

"Aaahh!" X shouted as the head of a plush otter struck his chest and bounced into his lap.

Chelsea gasped. "Sorry, Mr. X! I didn't mean to!"

Liz looked at the plush otter head in her boss's lap and then at the now-decapitated plush otter in her daughter's hands, a vibrating spring where a neck used to be. "Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. I really thought they were making better-quality otters now." She thought for a moment. "It won't be easy, but I might be able to fix her. Commence Operation: Sewing Kit!"

Chelsea looked up at her, confused. "Huh?"

"Call me crazy, but Mr. Penguin strikes me as a military man," Liz said with a smile as she pointed at Chelsea's other plush. "He'd say that difficult things are always less challenging with a good mission name."


End file.
